Dating and Relationships with ADHD
Introduction
When I think of the mixture of romance and ADHD the image of a soda water comes to mind. The effervescence can be a joyful experience to the palate, but in excess may provoke indigestion. Having had relationships with ADHDers and being described by a therapist as having a ‘tincture of ADHD’ myself, I can attest that dating people with ADHD can be at times an emotional roller coaster.
People with ADHD may ‘hyperfocus’ on dating & relationships, and in some cases that may lead to a rapid oscilation between initial 'love-bombing’ followed by a waning in romantic interest. However, the good news is that research also supports the positive elements of the hyperactivity dimension of ADHD. Hyperactivity typically lessens by adulthood, hopefully leaving just the right amount of bubble and fizz.
Research has revealed that reported relationship disharmony in those with higher levels of ‘Hyperactivity’ is actually not different to non-ADHDers. However interestingly, when it comes to the presentation of ‘Inattention’ (the other core feature of ADHD), the data tends to reveal that this can negatively affect relationships. People with an Inattentive ADHD presentation may also be viewed as less attractive to partners. This is particularly so with regard to men’s attractedness to female counterparts presenting with inattentive features.
This makes sense. One of the most important elements of human connection involves our ability to focus and listen to the other person. We know how powerful it feels to be given warm and unconditional attention, and to be truly noticed and heard. It is the foundation of a good therapy, and this extends to all human communication.
Another consideration is the heightened experience of ‘Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria’ (RSD) by ADHDers. It can affect personal relationships, as individuals may react defensively or withdraw from social interactions due to fear of rejection. People with RSD may also be highly reactive to minor conflicts or misunderstandings, which may be increased in more vulnerable situations. This is reflected in research showing ADHDers tend to exhibit more hostile conflict resolution styles. Alas extra-marital affairs and separation/divorce rates are also higher.
A curious phenomena is reflected via the ‘Assortative Mating Theory’, with ADHDers are two thirds likely to choose a mate with significant levels of ADHD symptoms. This may be due to an increased sense of comfort with similar energy levels and communication styles, reduced stigma, and relatability to do with the other.
ADHDers may additionally present with impatience and low frustration tolerance and irritability at times due to impairment of neurocircuitry pertaining to inhibitory control (e.g. prefrontal cortex & the parasympathetic nervous system).
“Rejection sensitive dysphoria is something that was so relieving to find out as a symptom, because then I had resources to figure out why I took any criticism or just general comments on things so intensely”
Advice
So what are some considerations when ADHD is part of the effervescent dating mix? Firstly, it is important to recognise ADHD is a medical condition and needs proper psychological assessment. Communication is also vital, especially as dealing with emotional dysregulation is often a key theme which in part meditates relatitionship satisfaction. Setting clear boundaries and balanced behaviour expectations is also important.
Active listening skill development and mindfulness techniques are also critical if the Inattentive ADHD subtype is present. This technique is known as ‘Reflective listening’ and includes several components:
Reflecting emotions: Identifying and acknowledging the speaker's feelings to show empathy
Reflecting non-verbal cues: Mirroring body language, focusing gaze on the other person, nodding, and leaning forward with the body
Clarifying: Asking questions to ensure clear comprehension
Paraphrasing: Restating what the speaker has said to confirm understanding
Giving feedback: Providing thoughtful responses without interrupting or judging
Additionally, we can draw on the evidence regarding the use of mindfulness-based CBT-based therapies to assist in improving focus, and organisational and behavioural control. Further down the path couples therapy may also assist in providing greater insight, communication and problem-solving skills.
In the bedroom, hyper-sexuality may be present in ADHDers, especially for males. This may be due to increased dysregulation of the pleasure-based brain circuits and the psychological aspects of physical connection being used to band-aid feelings of boredom, RSD, or emotional dysregulation. For some, non-traditional relationship constructs such as polyamory may be more suitable. Whatever the type of relationship, it is generally important to have consistency and well as intimacy (e.g. planning dates or physical intimacy) while also providing variety, as the ADHD brain may yearn for a seemingly contrasting mix of these two elements.
Regardless of the relationship dynamic, to experience deeper fulfillment it still comes back to the core needs of unconditional love and trust, and being truly seen and accepted.
Managing stress is critical consideration, and it is important for commitment to also occur regarding managing the general tenets of health. A range of lifestyle factors are important to address (i.e. the usual suspects- nutritious diet, physical activity, adequate sleep, and relaxation) as these aspects will affect mood and focus.
Take Home Tips
Seek a referral and formal ADHD diagnosis where warranted from a suitable clinician
Employ ‘Active Listening’ techniques (detailed also above)
Cultivate Compassion/Tolerance for RSD via practice of mindfulness empathy meditation
Address Emotional Dysregulation recognising triggers, create strategies, consider Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)
Intimacy Considerations setting distraction-free time for bonding, and remember to sometimes be creative!
Lifestyle Medicine for addressing stress and mood (via mindfulness and breathing exercises, nutrition, physical activity, adequate sleep)
Medication Options can be helpful to treat symptoms. Also consider the effects of psychostimulants on appetite, sex, and sleep
Lived Experience
So let’s hear from our lived experience guests: GM aged 35 (F), and AM aged 32 (F)
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How has ADHD Affected or Impacted your Approach to Relationships?
GM: In terms of the approach to dating itself, I guess there is an amount of hesitation because it takes organisation to date. Also consistency. I have a habit of talking to a bunch of people for a few days and then going MIA because I can’t keep up. I then apologise and play catch-up and then the cycle continues. There are so many ADHD symptoms I have to consider when I’m dating. For one, I’m more cautious now with people’s time because I know I tend to get overwhelmed and then I overthink my responses and interactions.
How do you Communicate your ADHD to Potential Partners?
GM: I only started believing I had ADHD (and being diagnosed) in my 30s, so it’s still kind of recent. I feel like it communicates itself to the people who know what they are looking for, but then I can also be quite good at masking. I try to be as authentic as I can so they don’t think they are getting a so called ‘normal’ person and then figure out that my brain is a bit spicy later down the track! I also overshare, so it generally comes up in conversation from what I can recall, and I’m also still getting familiar with how my brain works.
What Challenges have you Faced in Maintaining Relationships Due to ADHD Symptoms?
I think one of the main challenges is not being able to communicate why I am behaving in certain ways because I don’t sometimes understand it either. I remember when I first started Vyvanse, my boyfriend at the time said he could finally have a conversation with me that didn’t go in a million different directions. He noticed more of a difference than I did I think.
Being overstimulated and overwhelmed at times are also big issues. I have had arguments about why I can go well at a nightclub but then struggle at the supermarket.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria is also something that was so relieving to find out being a symptom of ADHD, because then I had resources to figure out why I took any criticism so intensely. If for example I was told that I wasn’t cutting vegetables the correct way I would get the dropping feeling in my stomach and wasn’t able to communicate why I was hurt and in a weird mood for the rest of the evening. Alas, often a fight ensued.
How do you Handle Situations where Impulsivity Affects your Dating Decisions?
GM: I guess I should probably give this some context first, I have never really set out to date specifically until about a year ago. I have been on apps before but was mainly looking for short-term connections that turned into situationships/relationships. But I was not really consciously dating, and when I did, it was exhausting after the initial thrill wore off.
I have always been impulsive and have been working for years to get away from being ‘all or nothing’. I guess the main way this shows up for me is that I hate making plans too far in the future because I don’t know how I will feel at that time. I prefer spontaneous “Hey, I’m out and about what are you up to” kind of plans. When I have something in my calendar, it gives me too much time to overthink the situation.
I don’t know if it’s related to impulsivity, but I will also just get really excited about talking to a new person and want to share stories and experiences with them while getting to know them, and that can come across intense or sometimes self-absorbed.
I am also attracted to adventure, so anyone that suggests going somewhere last minute or doing something on a whim, I’m going to go for that person and they are generally not the most stable of sorts.
Are there Particular Strategies you’ve Developed to Help Manage those Challenges?
GM: I can’t think of any that are dating specific that I’ve done intentionally. I think having clear and concise communication is important but something I really need to concentrate to do. When I’m discussing something important, I will often write everything I’m thinking in the notes app of my phone and then summarise it from there, or use it to figure out things before I say them out loud.
I have kind of extreme reactions to things, whether that be happiness or anxiety. I seem to feel things intensely so I have to be conscious that I don’t come on initially too strong or make decisions based on feelings at the time. I run a lot by my therapist because I’m still trying to figure out the way I operate and I’m trying to break years worth of patterns and habits.
Can you Share an Experience where ADHD either Complicated or Enhanced a Romantic Relationship?
GM: I seem to be more connected to people with ADHD because it’s like they are going at the same pace as me and we understand some of the same struggles. So I would say it enhances my relationships if the other person also has ADHD. Mind you it also complicates things such as if you both have executive dysfunction so nothing gets done consistently, and from my experience the lack of routine and not having at least one person be the constant can make things feel unstable.
How do you feel ADHD affects your Ability to Focus on and Connect with your Date or Relationship During Conversion?
GM: A fair bit, but it depends on the day. At its worst I have to concentrate really hard to focus on what they are saying, especially if I have something I am trying to remember to say otherwise I’ll forget it, but I don’t want to be rude and interrupt them. It’s weird to think that other people don’t think that way because I don’t know any different.
Long and intense conversations can be really draining especially if lots of external stimulus is also happening. On the outside you can’t tell sometimes I am struggling with focus, but when people get to know you they can tell when I am distracted. Checking in and seeing how I am is helpful.
How do you Approach Conflict Resolution in Relationships?
GM: I personally try to diffuse things as much as possible. I don’t know which parts of it are ADHD symptoms or not, but I guess RSD comes into it, where even if I’m arguing with someone, I still want them to like me, and not reject me, so its hard for me to make and set boundaries or speak up for myself because I don’t want to upset the other person.
What Qualities do you look for in a Partner that Helps you Feel Supported in Managing ADHD?
GM: It wouldn’t last long if they weren’t patient. I was actually told once by a guy I was dating that I ‘gave him numerous opportunities to practice being patient’. At first I thought it was a compliment! I guess if they haven’t experienced any ADHD symptoms or have knowledge about it before they would probably need a certain degree of understanding and empathy. If I don’t feel like I’m understood I end up constantly apologising for things and trying to cover certain symptoms up which gets exhausting and isn’t sustainable.
I generally seek out people who are motivated because I feed off other people’s momentum. Stability is also something that I know that I need but haven’t yet actively sought out. I think I might need almost the opposite of me to keep my feet on the ground. A few years ago I would have thought that someone stable is boring but now I think someone who is stable and calm could be a nice balance.
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How has your Partner's ADHD affected your Relationship ?
AM: My partner struggles to commit to concrete plans which often may exacerbate his anxious tendencies, and so I have found it’s more favourable to communicate plans closer to date.
He often tends to be hyperactive in the mornings and has to ‘keep busy’ sometimes expecting me to match his energy, and then come evening crashes due to exhaustion! This has affected our quality time in social settings and he may feel overstimulated by crowds and people, which may also exacerbate his social anxiety. He also cannot sit still at dinners and sometimes as soon as he eats he needs to go. He also struggles to sit and watch a movie with me start-to-finish etc.
He can also be strange with affection and touch at different times. I have learnt to be mindful it’s not necessarily about ‘me’, it is just his present level of stimulation.
Are there any Communication Challenges with your Partner being an ADHDer?
AM: My partner often has to communicate all of his thoughts and feelings to me at all points of the day (often when I am working or in the middle of a task). If I don’t sit and face him and show interest he can get very offended I don’t care about these ideas and thoughts. He has often overtaken conversations when I’m speaking to get his thoughts across. I don’t think this is him being rude, it’s just his excitability to share.
Q3: Are there Particular Strategies you’ve Developed to Help Manage those Challenges?
AM: I’ve never really thought about strategies per se, I have just had to adapt organically to our relationship as it comes. What comes to mind is that I have to be very gentle, clear, and direct in setting boundaries on communication timeframes. I say that it is not that I am disinterested, but it is just not an appropriate time point to discuss. Or if I have had a heavy work week also communicate that at times I cannot be fully mentally available.
How do you Approach Conflict Resolution in your Relationship?
AM: I’ve learnt that he has an anxious avoidant pattern that requires space to think and prepare his response. When we argue he needs time to walk away and I need to allow that time or it will be counter-productive to get the resolution I desire.
Are there any Tips on Maintaining Intimacy and Connection in a Relationship with an ADHDer?
AM: Finding things that you both enjoy/can do together that don’t spark stress for the ADHDer is important. And like in any relationship, communication is paramount as is picking your battles!
The Wrap
If you are the person living with ADHD, it is valuable to know that the above elements may improve romantic harmony. Neurodivergence has may blessings, and it is a matter of finding the right person-person fit for your personality. Those who are lucky enough to be pursuing a romantic interaction with an ADHDer, may at times enjoy the rollercoaster, noting though they do need to cultivate compassion and understanding, needing at times to show a greater degree of tolerance.
ADHD often brings a level of energy and spontaneity that can be both exhilarating and unpredictable. Due to this the partner in a relationship is advised to try and adjust to the shifts in focus and energy, and try to embrace the ebb and flow of attention. Conversely, the ADHDer needs to also continuely work on self-awareness and perception about how their state of mind and actions affect their partner.
As a final thought… consider. One moment the ADHDer is deeply engrossed in a conversation regarding your favourite dessert flavour, and then they drift off and then interrupt about this great ADHD dating article they read. But never fear, later they will not only romantically surprise you with your favourite childhood ice cream, they get you four different flavours as they wanted you to have options depending on how you may be feeling at the time.
~ DRW
Key References
Margherio SM et al. (2021). Romantic Relationships and Sexual Behavior Among Adolescents With ADHD. Journal of Attention Disorders, 25(10), 1466-1478
Sacchetti GM and Lefler EK (2017). ADHD Symptomology and Social Functioning in College Students. Journal of Attention Disorders 21(12), 1009-1019
Sedgwick JA, Merwood A, Asherson P (2019). The positive aspects of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: a qualitative investigation of successful adults with ADHD. Attention deficit and hyperactivity disorders, 11(3), 241–253
Wymbs BT et al. (2021). Adult ADHD and romantic relationships: What we know and what we can do to help. J Marital Fam Ther, 47(3):664-681
