Dating and Relationships with Narcissism
Introduction
It may be said that gazing into the eyes of a charmingly seductive human being is the closest a person can get to experiencing divinity reflected back to ourselves (not withstanding beatific children). So why is this so intoxicating? The psychological effect of ‘mirroring’ may be responsible for this experience. In essence we may see the reflection of ourselves in the other person, magnifying our desires, aspirations, worth, and beauty. This of course is an illusory perspective which highlights the blurred boundaries between ourselves and another. In essence, early on in the dating cycle it just feels like drinking a neurochemical cocktail which provides a feeling of euphoria and transcendence.
So where does ‘Narcissism’ fit in..?
While the classic contemporary societal response often is that “men are Narcissists” and “women are emotionally neurotic”.., the data bares out that there is only a minor significant difference in Narcissistic trait levels between men and women. Emerging adults are also sometimes portrayed as presenting with higher levels of narcissism (can can be important for scaffolding self-esteem during difficult life transitions); and indeed research does show that narcissism levels are higher in youth, and does thankfully reduce over the later decades of life.
A reduction in vanity over time is also greater in those in a stable relationship, although it should be noted that Narcissism is also increasingly associated with higher rates of infidelity and separation.
So what Narcissism red flags do we need to look out for?
Well firstly, I believe we should turn the spotlight inwards to see if we personally embody any Narcissistic features…
The obvious tell-tale signs include excessive self-centeredness, a lack of empathy, manipulation, and a constant need for validation. There may be interpersonal patterns of excessive criticism, belittling, or blaming without adequate self-insight and self-responsibility. In the worst presentation jealousy and control may occur, and an obvious abusing use of the other for self-gain with a lack of compassionate regard.
When we classically think of Narcissism we tend to focus on the ‘grandiosity’ and ‘entitlement’ domains of the condition (e.g. reflecting self-absorbance, arrogance, belief in being superior and/or special), however there is a third element that often goes less-noticed, yet may profoundly affect human relations. This is known as ‘vulnerable’ Narcissism. Research has revealed that those with higher psychological ratings of vulnerable Narcissism are more likely to have lower mental wellbeing, and poorer quality relationships.
Overall, the negative impact of Narcissism appears to be driven in part by difficulties with empathy and reciprocity, thereby making it more challenging to build meaningful connections. Fascinatingly, it appears that those with the ‘grandiosity’ subtype tend to have little consequence to their wellbeing (although they may still have pronounced daily mood fluctuations), while those higher in the ‘entitlement’ subtype are prone to lower wellbeing due to social comparisons often leading to dissatisfaction and resultant disappointment and anger.
The good news is that Narcissism tends to reduce over time due to our increase in ‘relational maturity’, reflecting greater relationship commitment, equality of parental relationships, emotional balance, and generally being less self-orientated.
“Looking back, I can see all the signs I missed: the love-bombing, the lying, the financial deceit, the impulsiveness, and the dual personas.”
Advice
Initially it may be helpful to understand the germination of Narcissism and why it may exist. General psychological theory contends that Narcissism may exist as an adaptive function born out of extreme or risky childhood upbringing- involving neglect, abuse, or excessively praising parenting. Narcissism may be a psychological construct used to assist in self-regulation via either the ‘self-enhancement’ pathway (often dominant in the ‘grandiosity’ presentation) or the ‘self-protection’ pathway (potentially dominant in the ‘entitlement’ or ‘vulnerable’ presentations of Narcissism).
Being armed with that information however won’t help much when initially connecting with an alluring individual who has the love bombs ready to drop… Firstly, we can consider how to be mindful and aware about the key signs of Narcissism. Initial excessive admiration and ingratiation (the ‘idealisation phase’) can make you feel special, but this should trigger a warning if this seems insincere or lacks empathy. The experience of ‘reciprocity’ is also crucial in any healthy relationship.
In other words we need to give and take, for our voice to be acknowledged, and our needs (within balance and reason) to be met. If there appears to be consistent ‘taking’ and this has not been addressed after clear communication, then this is a significant issue. Furthermore, if communication is rarely well-received (either being deflected with defensiveness or anger or redirected guilt) then we need to consider if we walking down the ‘narcissist’s lane’ which often begins with idealisation and ends with devaluation and discardation.
If any concerns are raised, then the best approach is to maintain firm internal and external boundaries.
Internal boundaries involve setting a standard for what we will accept (e.g. reciprocity, respect, kindness, consistency), and doing this in way that imbues self-compassion and acceptance.
External boundaries may come down to either avoiding and/or cutting off from the person (or at least moderating contact) or consider employing the Grey Rock method of being neutral in tone and body language and keep the conversation on general topics. With this approach, predatory behaviour may be defused, with the loss of interest prompting them to move onto their next dopamine kindler.
If however you end up too far down the proverbial road, there are still some considerations and learnings. For some people in the grip of a narcissistic partner, they may feel like they are getting bounced between idealisation and devaluation. When finally breaking free from this pattern we need to acknowledge there can be a sense of loss when cutting the cord. This is unsurprising as the ‘narcissisee’ often receives a pleasurable neurochemical hit every time the idealisation phase gets initiated.
Due to this it is important to recognise that when addressing this toxic pattern some weaning or cold turkey may initially be uncomfortable. If so seek the support of compassionate friends with firm morals and access professional help if required. Ultimately know that you can be truly wiser from the experience.
Take Home Tips
Be aware of Narcissism red flags e.g. self-centredness, manipulation, gaslighting (look within also for these signs!)
Set firm external and internal boundaries if any signals of being gaslit or unvalidated or being taken advantage of… leave.
Wishing to continue romantic involvement?
Go into it with your eyes open and regularly monitor and reflect on the situation
Be mindful of the Idealisation-Devaluation-Discardation cycle
Practice self-care and remain indepedent with other outside relationships
With enough self-insight and hard work it can be; but often with true Narcissistic Abusers they often do not change- so leave
For those committed to change- self-insight, authenticity, and a will to understand and evolve is critical
Psychological techniques such as CBT, Schema Therapy, and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy to assist with unpacking chidhood affects on personality and relationships, regulation of emotions, and self-soothing to assist with ‘acute distress tolerance’
Pursuit of rebuilding a balanced and authentic self-esteem which emphasises accountablity
Meditative and reflection techiniques to cultivate empathy
Note that any meaningful change must come from the person with narcissism and that it is not the partner’s responsibility
· Narcissist recovery support groups exist in many parts of the world
Lived Experience
Let’s hear from our lived experience guests: Tracy A. Malone a US-based therapist who has survived a narcissistic ex-partner and now coaches others, and JM, 42 (M) who is on the road towards healing their ‘narcissistic lesion’
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How have you been aware that you have higher levels of narcissism, and have you been diagnosed?
JM: I haven’t been formally diagnosed, and in fact when I mentioned raised this with my therapist he responded that he didn’t think I had any issues with this. What confused things is that I don’t regard myself as having unrealistic levels of ego. However, with my own exploration with learning more about myself and reading some of the information on narcissism out there, I realised that it actually can also be about simply being self-centred and mentally orientating that the world revolves around you.
How would you describe your romantic relationships with others, and how do you believe your narcissism affects this side of your life?
JM: Years ago I would have not really had much awareness about the impacts of my self-centredness on the people I was intimately seeing. I recall one ex-partner calling me a narcissist and me laughing saying I am ‘not full of myself!’ However over recent years I can see she made a good point as I recognise that was at times very self-focused and inconsiderate.
Can you describe a time when you felt truly vulnerable or unsure of yourself with dating or relationships, and if so how do you handle it?
JM: I guess there have been times during relationships where if I was given a lack of attention or affection by a partner I would feel very threatened and abandoned, and this feeling of vulnerability would negatively influence my mental health. I wouldn’t cope well and I would have poor communication often shutting out my partner or being passive aggressive.
While it is all a work in progress, at least now I can identify that better options are available. I also still think it is important though to have a partner who can empathize with my vulnerabilities, but I can accept that I also need to be held accountable when I am being petulant.
What are some of the positives that you think higher levels of narcissism can provide to a romantic partner?
JM: I think that on the surface level a degree of confidence and narcissism is attractive for many people. That said, there is a difference between confident charisma and a huge sense of self-focused entitlement! I have thankfully never been a ‘love-bomber’, but can see other men doing this, and I think it is an awful dating style. The challenge I guess is how to keep the positive aspects of confidence and charisma but without the negatives.
Do you think it is possible for someone with high narcissistic traits to change? If so, what would that process look like?
JM: Firstly, it has taken me time to realise where this trait in myself most likely came from. I can see clearly now my father had a type of narcissism where he was very vulnerable and reactive to criticism. The person the public saw- a person with huge self-confidence and a magnetic charisma was so different to the man at home. One thing my father said in my childhood stuck in my mind. He essentially said “children are there to make the parents look good”.
I have personally tried to focus more on thinking about the other person’s position and being less self-centred. I don’t think I will ever be a saint, however I do genuinely feel that working on this part of myself has in a positive way over time made me feel a deeper sense of self-worth and happiness.
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When did you first start noticing signs of narcissism in your (ex)partner?
TM: Like many victims of narcissistic abuse, I didn’t initially recognize the tactics or understand what was happening. I noticed behaviors that were confusing and cruel. I saw a lack of integrity in his actions and a repeated inability to hold a job, despite having an executive-level career. There was always an excuse—a ‘stupid boss’ or a workplace culture he didn’t like—but the pattern was undeniable.
The extreme tactics became glaringly clear during our divorce. The lies, the smear campaigns, and the complete rewriting of the truth were shocking. It felt like he was out to destroy me, and I couldn’t understand why. At the time, I didn’t have the language to define what I was experiencing, and the term ‘narcissist’ wasn’t introduced to me until years later. Once I learned about narcissistic abuse, everything suddenly made sense.
How did their narcissism impact your emotional and mental wellbeing during the relationship?
TM: My emotional state during the relationship was one of constant confusion. The intermittent reinforcement—being the love of his life one moment and then being ignored the next—kept me off balance. When others were around, he would put on an adoring show, convincing everyone he was a great husband and devoted partner. To the outside world, it seemed perfect.
That illusion shattered when he moved me 2,000 miles away for his new job. He changed almost overnight. In hindsight, I can now see how controlling he was throughout our relationship, but at the time, I rationalized it as him simply taking the lead in making social plans. I didn’t recognize the patterns of control and manipulation because, until the very end, I believed I was happy. Looking back, I see how much I had ignored or minimized things for the sake of keeping the peace.
Can you share an example of a situation where your (ex)partner's narcissistic behavior was particularly evident?
TM: To the world, my ex appeared loving and sweet. Early in our relationship, during the love-bombing phase, he portrayed himself as the perfect father figure for my 8-year-old son. He said all the right things and made me believe he would be the father his own dad never was. But it was all an act. Once the mask slipped, the reality was much darker—he was cruel to my son, driven by jealousy of our bond and a need to dominate him. This shattered any illusion I had of him being the mild-mannered man he showed the world. His need for control and his cruelty, especially toward a child, revealed the depths of his narcissistic behavior. It wasn’t just about dominance—it was about ensuring everyone, including me, knew who was in charge.
Looking back, do you think there were any red flags that you overlooked or ignored early on?
TM: Yes, absolutely. Hindsight truly is a gift, because at the time, I didn’t recognize the red flags for what they were. Instead, I rationalized them as just quirks of his personality or ‘just him.’
From the very beginning, the love-bombing was so over the top that I barely had time to think. He was charming, constantly showering me with attention, and even referred to himself as ‘Prince Charming.’ He and his family lived in an actual castle with two castle towers and were extremely status-oriented. Looking back, it was clear he wore different masks—one for his family, where he played the role of the ‘golden child’, and another for the world, where he crafted an entirely different persona. At the time, I didn’t realize these were masks, but now it’s obvious.
He was impulsive and reckless, traits I initially found endearing and exciting. Over time, I came to understand this as ‘entitlement’—his belief that he could do whatever he wanted without consequence. He was also a chronic liar. I often wondered if anything he told me in our ten years together was true. Between his two personas and constant lies, it was difficult to separate fact from fiction. Financially, he was also a disaster.
Toward the end of our relationship, everything unraveled. He began rewriting our entire history, casting himself as the victim of my supposed mistreatment. It was a shocking twist, but it became clear this was part of his narrative to preserve his image and justify his behavior.
Looking back, I can see all the signs I missed: the love-bombing, the lying, the financial deceit, the impulsiveness, and the dual personas. I just didn’t know what I was looking at then. Now I understand these were all red flags I overlooked, not because I was blind, but because I didn’t yet know what red flags to look for.
What coping mechanisms did you develop to deal with their behavior, and did they prove effective?
TM: Because I didn’t fully understand what was happening until the relationship ended, my main coping mechanism was trying harder to make him happy. I believed that if I just did more—if I worked harder, accommodated his needs, and took on even more responsibilities—things would improve. Looking back, I now see that this only fed the cycle of abuse.
The stress and emotional toll of the relationship began to take a significant toll on my health. I developed physical illnesses that, at the time, I thought were unrelated to the situation. But almost immediately after he was out of my life, those health issues disappeared. It was a powerful reminder of how much the abuse had affected not just my emotional well-being but also my physical body.
In hindsight, my coping mechanisms weren’t effective because they revolved around fixing a situation I didn’t yet realize I couldn’t control. True healing only began when the relationship ended, and I could finally focus on understanding the abuse and rebuilding my life.
Are there any positives you can take from your experience with being with someone with narcissism?
TM: Looking back, I can see many positives that came from the aftermath of that experience. Before the relationship, I didn’t even know what narcissistic abuse was. That discovery was life-changing because it opened my eyes to the fact that I was raised by narcissists, which had made me vulnerable to being in another abusive relationship. Abuse had been normalized in my life, and I didn’t realize how deeply those patterns affected me.
Through healing, I’ve been able to address the wounds of my childhood, particularly those from my mother, and I’ve come to truly love myself for the first time. I’ve learned to set boundaries, prioritize my wellbeing, and replace fear with confidence. I also now see that I’ve never had a truly healthy relationship—not even with myself. That realization was painful but necessary because it empowered me to break the cycle.
The greatest positive is that I’ve finally found myself. I’ve learned to love and value who I am, and I now know how to recognize and remove abusive people from my life. Finding this inner strength and self-love has been one of the most profound and transformative experiences of my life.
What advice would you give to someone who suspects they are romantically involved with a narcissist?
TM: My life has transformed since I learned about narcissistic abuse, and now I coach people worldwide to help them navigate and heal from similar situations. My advice for anyone who suspects something is off in their relationship is to educate yourself. Dive into understanding what narcissistic abuse looks like, familiarize yourself with the red flags, and most importantly, accept that you can’t fix or change a narcissist through love or effort.
One of my biggest mistakes was spending seven years with a therapist who didn’t recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse. When I finally discovered the truth and asked him what he knew about narcissism, his response was, “They like to look in the mirror.” That experience taught me how critical it is to find someone who not only understands narcissistic behaviors but also knows how to guide you through them. The wrong support can waste your time and keep you trapped in a harmful situation.
Finally, take advantage of the wealth of free resources available. Read books, watch YouTube videos, listen to podcasts—educate yourself as much as possible. Knowledge is power, and the more you understand about narcissistic behaviors, the stronger and more prepared you’ll be to make decisions for your well-being.
Once you’ve grasped the patterns of abuse, shift your focus to healing. Put the same energy into learning how to rebuild your trust, find yourself, and create a life free from toxic relationships. Healing is possible, and you deserve it.
The Wrap
Consider this parable involving the Scorpion and the Frog wherein a scorpion asked a frog to carry it across a river. The frog initially hesitated, fearing the scorpion would sting it, however the scorpion promised not to, reasoning they would both drown if it did... Trusting this, the frog reluctantly agreed. Midway across the water, the scorpion stung the frog. As they sank to their death, the frog asked why. The scorpion replied, "I couldn’t help it. It’s in my nature..."
So the moral of the story is obviously while the Frog’s of the world should keep on cultivating compassion and trust- ultimately we are all responsible for protecting ourselves! So best to have our mindfulness dialled up and our eyes open and firm up boundaries if sensing the potential sting of the scorpion’s tail.
~ DRW
Key References
Ackerman, R. A., et al. (2019). Current conceptualizations of narcissism. Curr Opin Psychiatry 32(1): 32-37.
Bilić, V., et al. (2022). Psychodynamic Aspects of Love: A Narrative Review. Psychiatr Danub 34(1): 3-10.
Grijalva, E., et al. (2015). Gender differences in narcissism: a meta-analytic review. Psychol Bull 141(2): 261-310.
Weidmann, R., et al. (2023). Age and gender differences in narcissism: A comprehensive study across eight measures and over 250,000 participants. J Pers Soc Psychol 124(6): 1277-1298.
Wetzel, E., et al. (2020). You're still so vain: Changes in narcissism from young adulthood to middle age. J Pers Soc Psychol 119(2): 479-496.
