Dating and Relationships with Self-Worth
Introduction
You have heard it a million times, “You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.” But is this true? And how does this apply to concepts of Self-Esteem and Self-Worth? Generally speaking, a positive self-regard is certainly important when it comes to having a good relationship with ourselves, but as it being a necessity of acquiring or maintaining a relationship, it is not as clear cut as the abs of a twentysomething Instagrammer.
It is important firstly to delineate between the concepts of Self-Esteem and Self-Worth. While these concepts are often conflated together, there are actually distinct differences. ‘Self-Esteem’ can be seen as being to do which how we feel about ourselves in the context of our accomplishments and characteristics (e.g. appearance, intelligence). This is often framed by our comparison to external factors and can be fluid. In contrast, ‘Self-Worth’ is based on more robust internal beliefs about our overall sense of value and worthiness. People high in Self-Worth will hold a deep-seated belief that they deserve love and respect, and in an ideal embodiment they will have ‘unconditional’ self-regard. In contrast, Self-Esteem may be influenced by the external influence of vicissitudes of life (e.g. receiving a string of online comments that our six-pack is actually more like a bottle of Port).
Imagine Self-Esteem is like being the popular kid at school who is great at sport and scholastics, but when they have an acne break-out they don’t feel quite that confident. Whereas perhaps the nerdy kid in library with strong Self-Worth actually doesn’t care about what the popular kids think of them, knowing deep down they deserve to be loved and respected (and will probably end up an uber-rich tech guru anyway).
So how does this relate to dating and relationships?
The plot summary is that there is a ‘bi-directional relationship’ between Self-Esteem and relationship quality, and here is where it gets interesting. Recent studies suggest that high Self-Esteem only has a weak influence directly on better relationships. Instead, it's more like a halo effect. Your Self-Esteem (& Self-Worth) influences core attributes such as Trust and also how you behave with your partner, which then affects your relationship quality; and then this further influences how a partner can provide (or seek) support. This Self-Worth-Trust interface also impacts how conflict resolution is approached.
There is also evidence to suggest that having a fulfilling relationship can actually ‘build’ Self-Esteem. Potentially our experience of self-love and self-growth can actually occur via our interdependence (i.e. connection) with another human being.
There are some intriguing psychological theories to consider:
Interdependence Theory: Suggests that relationship happiness depends more on how you ‘interact’ with your romantic partner rather than being based on existing Self-Esteem.
Risk Regulation Model: Those with higher Self-Esteem are more likely to pursue intimacy, while people with lower levels are more likely to ‘play it safe’.
Sociometer Theory: Views Self-Esteem essentially as a relationship value gauge. Those higher in this quality see themselves as a catch (and accordingly act like one).
Self-Verification Theory: We find it more comfortable to have people treat us like we think we should be treated, rather than what we are actually worth. Someone with low Self-Esteem may actually find it discombobulating being praised by a partner if they think it is not an accurate reflection of who they are… (causing what is known as ‘Cognitive Dissonance’).
“Setting stronger boundaries in those early weeks of romance can be a game changer for future behaviour.”
Advice
While our level of Self-Worth is believed to be influenced strongly by our upbringing, and is fairly stable after childhood, fear not, we can still build this up over our journey with psychological-growth work. In the event we have a shocking date or a relationship that is a dumpster fire, it is natural to intitially take this as a blow to our Self-Esteem, and like a wounded tiger we may need to go back to the cave to convalesce. However, there can be advantages to getting back into the fray and into that next date or tough relationship conversation.
As discussed above, people with higher levels of Self-Esteem tend to to have more resilience in the face of interpersonal challenges. Consider the concept of ‘reinforcement’. By getting back up off the ground when romantically knocked down, enthused with self-compassion and evolving self-belief, it will have the effect over time of enhancing our sense of Self-Worth.
Working away at our emotional and physical regulation is also another key skill to help manage strong and often visceral feelings which arise during challenges to our Self-Esteem. We all know the feelings of rejection that may evoke a sense of the heart constricting (while yet racing), the nausea, and the icky feeling that plays out across our skin.
Broader advice can be extended to our societal need to shift away from the ‘conditional’ sources of Self-Esteem/Self-Worth. Ideally we collectively need to try and minimise the impact of external markers of approval (especially via social media) regarding aspects such as our physical appearance and status. Excessive comparisons with others has shown to lessen happiness.
In other words make sure the ‘expectation to satisfaction ratio’ is balanced. Self-Esteem generation from achievements and competencies (and competitive zeal) may provide a sugar hit to the ego, however ultimately it does not provide a deeper resonance of Self-Worth.
Conversely, techniques which enhance a person's unconditional self-love and respect provide a better long-term option. Cultivation of self-compassion, spirituality, and alignment with virtue, offer us a potent antidote, and this philosophy finds its roots in Buddhism and Stoicism as examples.
When our Self-Esteem is low, cognitive distortions can emerge. It's like trying to visually make sense of our environment while wearing glasses with cracked lenses. Working on our self-perception is vital so that our cognitions are balanced and accurate, while also making sure we persistently challenge negative inner beliefs.
In mental health disorders, people at one end of the spectrum, such as those with high levels of narcissism, may appear to have great self-esteem. However, this can often be a facade (especially with the ‘vulnerable/neurotic’ subtype), concealing deeper issues with low self-worth (read more here on narcissism). On the other hand, conditions like clinical depression are frequently associated with low self-esteem, which can significantly affect the quality of relationships and so be aware if low mood and/or loss of pleasure is also occuring (a topic we will explore in another article).
Take Home Tips
Ditch the comparison game- It is all 98% AI filters now anyway…
Cultivate self-compassion- Talk to yourself like you would a best friend or love (minus the drunk texts)
Embrace self-growth mindset- Noting that long-term deeper ‘trait’ changes can be a lifelong journey, so best to patiently work at it over time
Cognitive techniques- Challenge negative or black and white beliefs to help maintain a self-supporting balanced view of yourself and your romantic partner
Date yourself- Sometimes the most self-affirming date you can have is with yourself (treat yourself to a nice dinner and movie!)
Get your body moving- Besides supporting mental and physical health, exercise is great to boost Self-Esteem
Lived Experience
So let’s hear from our lived experience guest: LR aged 51 (F)
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How would you visualise self-worth in the context of dating and relationships?
LR: I see it as the position we comfortably, yet sometimes unconsciously, place ourselves beside our partner. For instance, do we stand side by side as a H-Frame? Standing as independent individuals with the common foundation between us or are we an A-Frame? Expecting to hold each other up co-dependently?
I feel that sometimes we second-guess ourselves as individuals when we decide to enter a relationship. Most times it’s not the relationship that causes our self-worth to lessen, it’s being brave enough to know where your self-worth baseline is at ‘before’ you start a significant connection.
Self-worth I believe is ultimately reflected via our thoughts and actions, and even in our dreams. We learn this about ourselves with each encounter we have every day. The hard part is recognising how fast sometimes we ignore our true values and how quickly we can stop devaluing connections causing collateral damage to our psyche.
Have self-worth issues arisen during your dating or relationship life, and if so how may it present?
LR: Constantly! It’s the age-old question… “why do we give ourselves permission to over-share, over-give, and over-commit to people who don’t deserve it!” In the past I’ve allowed what I initially feel about a partner to set the climate of the relationship, rather than understanding the way they made ‘me’ feel.
Whether it’s due to the initial excitement of passion and desire or even the feeling of friendship and security, I have been guilty sometimes of placing my partner on higher ground than they deserve. I’m more aware these days that these connections were ‘mirroring relationships’ that encouraged me to truly awaken from my insecure slumber.
How do you think individuals can work on improving their self-worth before entering a relationship?
LR: Start with your feelings. Accept how you feel, own them and recognise that what you feel is valid and important to who you are. Then be extremely mindful of the importance to set the boundaries needed to uphold these values from the get go. This is often very difficult especially when we jump head first into that common initial love bombing period!
Let’s face it, we know what we need and want and expect, so why do we second-guess ourselves the moment we feel loved or not loved from another?
Understanding your needs and wants can’t be sacrificed, and to clearly communicate this to your partner is so important. Often at times we are too afraid to stand firm and we lose ourselves to the other person, leaving us feeling like over-givers.
Setting stronger boundaries in those early weeks of romance can be a game changer for future behaviour. Looking after your future self in the present relationship may not be natural but it is crucial to self-esteem, self-respect, and mental heath. Not to mention the longevity of a potential relationship itself…
Do you think self-esteem can be influenced by past relationships, and if so, how can someone rebuild their self-esteem after a negative or toxic relationship?
LR: Every relationship affects us in various ways, with positive and negative experiences moulding our self-wisdom in ways that we could not script. Self-awareness I believe means true honesty. Looking deep into what matters to our deeper self’s purpose.
If we have been damaged so to speak along the way, then being brave enough to want to heal is the first step. Finding the joy and purpose can take time, but it’s in this phase that psychological breakthroughs may happen.
Rebuilding our sense of self-worth can mean forgiveness, while acceptance and trusting that you are exactly where you are meant to be. I believe that finding the right support to build those foundations can be helpful.
How do you think modern dating (especially through apps and social media) affects self-esteem, and what can people do to maintain a healthy sense of self in that environment?
LR: Mindset is the key. With online dating, if feeling in a vulnerable state, the concept of speaking to a person who is clearly speaking to (or dating) multiple other people can potentially provoke a challenge to self-esteem. Personally speaking I am not a fan of online dating!
Anxiety around social media and dating apps can be a real issue when we do not have the discipline to let go of these platforms when crucially needed. It’s a power struggle that you can have with yourself. Finding the strength to let go of addictive apps that are so easily accessible can be challenging and takes discipline to resist at times.
How do you think a good level of self-worth may contribute to better conflict resolution skills in relationships?
LR: Conflict begins within yourself. When you truly know who is entering the relationship, meaning when you truly know who you are and what your real intrinsic worth is, then many conflicts can potentially be avoided.
Often in times it’s when we ignore our own self-needs that we can point the blame to our partners. When we stop doing this and take responsibility for our own happiness the small stuff may dissolve quickly.
It is also important to know what a partnership based on self-worth truly means. It’s a cliché… but when you respect and love yourself then you shouldn’t attract anyone lesser. I personally believe you attract what you are so therefore when you are at a high level of self-awareness the relationship you engage in will reflect this.
Most times the conflict we have I believe is based on a lack of communication. Self-worth is not being afraid to ask for what you need and want, and respect for yourself and others can go along way towards happiness.
The Wrap
Maintaining Self-Esteem in this highly transactional social media world is a herculean task. Accept that it is only natural to sometimes feel like a cork bobbing around in an ocean. Sometimes you are floating high and mighty and then the next moment you are dumped by a massive wave. Remember that the only true currency which buffers us from the elements comes from the cultivation of a deeper embodiment of Self-Worth.
There are many advantages of having high Self-Esteem/Self-Worth in the romantic sphere. Research has shown that people with higher levels of this quality experience greater relationship satisfaction (goodbye validation-seeking late night texts), have more resilience and emotional stability (goodbye drunken 2am texts), being less dependent on their partner (goodbye next morning texts of contrition). While not conclusive, some research has revealed that better partner selection may also exist, choosing people who treat us well and align better with our values. Firmer boundaries are also more likely to be set with clearer communication in times of conflict.
For those who struggle with self-worth, it is recognised that it is a life-long journey. While it may feel at times in our romantic life like it may take just one blow to knock us down… we never need to ‘prove’ our worth, only to ‘know’ our worth.
~ DRW
Key References
Bırni G, Eryılmaz A (2024). Conceptual and Theoretical Review of Self-Worth. Current Approaches in Psychiatry;16(2):327-346.
Orth U, Robins RW (2022). Is high self-esteem beneficial? Revisiting a classic question. Am Psychol; 77(1):5-17.
Wood JV, Forest AL, Friesen JP, et al. (2024). Self-esteem and romantic relationship quality. Nat Rev Psychol 3, 27–41
